When a couple marries within the Orthodox Church, their union allows them to become one flesh, heart, and body. They can even be co-creators with God by bringing children into the world. This union is made possible through physical intimacy.

There’s often hesitation to discuss intimacy as Orthodox Christians. I think a lot of this has to do with the mystery involved and the respect we have for the marriage bed. St. Paul tells us to “keep the marriage bed undefiled” Hebrews 13:4. But I do believe there is still room for discussion in what is healthy in an Orthodox Christian marriage vs. what isn’t.

Keep in mind, though sex isn’t a sin between a married couple, it isn’t the only reason to be married. Holiness and salvation are the goals of marriage, and you are trying to reach sanctification together.

This article was written with my husband, who has counseled many couples both in premarital and marital counseling. As with anything, please talk to your spouse and spiritual father about your specific questions. This article is simply meant to educate and encourage you within your marriage.

Mystery Within Orthodox Christian Marriage

Marriage is a mystery and ultimately the fellowship of love. In St. Paul’s epistle to the Ephesians, he writes, “This is a great mystery: I speak concerning Christ and the Church” (Eph 5:32). For the husband is called to love his wife as Christ loves the Church and the wife is called to be obedient to the husband as the Church is obedient to Christ.

The union made possible with physical intimacy is a gift from God. It’s not simply about pleasure and procreation but union and knowing. On multiple accounts, when the Scriptures talk about sex, they say, “and he knew her…”. This wasn’t just a physical knowing but a spiritual and emotional knowing.

Sex within marriage allows you to see the secret parts of each other's souls while revealing humbling embarrassments that lighten the mood and help you relax and connect in truly indescribable ways. It’s a beautiful mystery, given to us by God, and can only be truly fulfilled within marriage.

Keeping the Marriage Bed Healthy and Holy

If you want your marriage to make it past the stage of infatuation and lust, you must make a stronghold in your hearts and minds that intimacy is born out of constant work. It’s all too easy to let the business of life get in the way of intimacy, even beyond physical pleasure.
If you aren’t vigilant, days, weeks, months, and even years can pass without realizing that your intimacy has taken the back burner. Start now and cultivate intimacy that is sustainable, exciting, and enjoyable.

1. Pray Together and For One Another

Praying for and with your spouse is essential to intimacy and connection. If you’re not praying for your spouse, you’re likely not growing any closer to them. Sometimes there’s something you may be uncomfortable talking to your spouse about. Whether it has to do with the marriage bed or not, bringing your concerns to the Lord will ease the burden. It’s not uncommon that you don’t even need to discuss your concern with your spouse if you bring it up to the Lord.

Then, when it comes to times of physical intimacy, you can enter into joy with your spouse, knowing that the Lord hears your prayers and is constantly there within the marriage.

2. Respect Each Other

Respect is essential in and out of the bedroom. If you’re not respecting each other while doing chores around the house or running errands during the day, don’t be surprised when your spouse rolls away from you at the end of the night instead of into your arms.

Respect and love are built on everyday moments, not sparks of passion. Remember, you’re trying to create lifelong intimacy, not just a match that flashes and burns out.

3. Check-In with One Another

Checking-in with each other throughout the day can do wonders to help you connect. Call each other when you're gone, tell your spouse, “I love you, and I can’t wait to hang out with you.” When you get home, embrace each other, hug and kiss each other, and be intentional.

A gentle touch on the small of the back while walking past each other, a kiss on the cheek while doing the dishes, or holding hands in the car, all bring your energy back to the person you love. Then, when there is time for sexual intimacy, it won’t feel like there is a chasm of work and other cares between you. You’ve been connecting and communicating your needs throughout the day, and one sweet kiss can lead to another.

4. Communicate Clear Boundaries

It’s important to recognize that each spouse comes to the marriage with different life experiences. What one may feel comfortable with may be ridiculous to the other. The only way to know this is through communicating your boundaries.

Perhaps one spouse doesn’t want to kiss in front of other people, the other needs to take a shower before going to bed at night, etc. These seemingly small boundaries can feel very important to each spouse, but you have to communicate them if they’re important!

Never, ever, assume your spouse knows what you’re thinking. Always communicate your needs, wants, and even annoyances. Then, when you’re venturing into physical intimacy, communication is natural and respected.

5. Steer Clear of Off-Limits Practices

Unfortunately, sex is blasted front and center in the media, the internet, billboards, and the like. Every act you can think of is thought to be ok and “if it feels good, it is good.” But, as Christians, we do not have this understanding of the marriage bed. Some acts are off-limits because they do damage to the soul.

This is why premarital sex is so heinous. We are not meant to partake of the fruit before God has bestowed it on us. You can’t have a consecrated and holy marriage bed without the bestowing of the Holy Spirit during the wedding ceremony. So any sexual act that is done before marriage cannot be blessed.

Additionally, adultery, sodomy, pornography, masturbation, and ménage à trois all invite the devil into your bedroom and are never blessed by the Church.

6. Observe Fasting

“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corithians 7:5

As with fasting from food, fasting from sexual relations is not meant to harm our relationship but bring us closer to Christ and deepen our dependence on Him. Generally, the Church guides and encourages us to fast from physical intimacy on:

Saturday Nights
Sunday Mornings
Any day or night before we take Holy Communion.

Sex in marriage is not a sin, but lust, gluttony, and indulgence are. Fasting from physical intimacy helps us tame the passion of lust and find self-control so that we can rely on God.

Many saints mention fasting on other holy days throughout the year including Holy Week, the Feast of the Cross, and the Beheading of St. John the Baptist, and others. You may even hear some priests encourage abstinence through the major fasts of the church: Great Lent, the Apostles fast, the Dormition fast, and the Nativity (Advent) fast.

However, this takes time, practice, communication, respect, and prayer. This isn’t something that you will tame in your first year of marriage or for some in your later years of marriage. But it’s something you should strive to work on. God willing, you will begin to see the grace of God descending into your hearts, and that will make you yearn for the heavenly life and not earthly pleasures.

*Again, please talk to your spiritual father about the specifics of fasting within your marriage.*

Intimacy is a Gift from God - Use it Wisely

Physical intimacy is a gift and mystery of God. A place where your physical union goes beyond emotional connection and can lead to new life. Sex within marriage isn’t a sin but it can be perverted by the world, so you must stand guard.

Be vigilant in your prayer life and communication with one another. Keep things fun and exciting and try to always remember why you were married in the first place. If things aren’t going right in the bedroom, bring it to God, communicate with each other, and relax into the blessing that God has bestowed on you.

If you found this article helpful, please leave me a comment to further the discussion and don’t forget to share with your friends.

6 Ways to Encourage Healthy Intimacy in an Orthodox Christian Marriage