5 Way to Cultivate Intimacy With Your Husband in Early Postpartum
If you haven’t had your baby yet you may think it's weird to need ways to connect to your husband postpartum. But if you’ve had a baby, you know that once that sweet babe comes into your life it can feel near impossible to still feel close to your first love.
After my first daughter was born, my whole world was consumed with caring for her — as it should be —- but I struggled to also work on my relationship with my husband. I didn’t see that he had very different instincts than I did when it came to raising our daughter and that his insights for her are just as valuable as mine.
We kind of scrambled for a few weeks in the early postpartum. The elephant in the room getting bigger and bigger until we both realized we weren’t connecting. There was a disruption in our relationship, albeit a wonderful one, but we still had never navigated this before.
Once we acknowledged our need for connection, we felt seen and heard outside the marriage bed. And make no mistake, this is an issue for us with every new baby. We have to actively work on our relationship, day in and day out to stay connected.
So, I’d love to give a few ideas for reconnecting in postpartum time that don’t involve marital relations. I pray you find this helpful and encouraging for connecting with your spouse.
Why Can’t You Be Sexually Intimate in Early Postpartum?
It’s pretty well known that doctors and midwives recommend waiting six weeks post-birth to have marital relations. There are a few physiological and spiritual reasons for the restraint.
If you have a perineal tear you need to rest your pelvic floor for proper healing.
The pelvic floor as a whole has gone through tremendous change to accommodate and then birth your baby. It needs time to heal.
Recognizing the Mosaic law, it’s often recommended that there is no intercourse while a woman is bleeding. Whether it’s menstruation or postpartum bleeding, it’s worth considering the impact marital relations have on your body and why God would have told the Jewish people to abstain. The Orthodox Church continues to remember and observe this during the 40 days of Postpartum.
It’s not a punishment but a recognition of your body's work. Try to respect your body's need to rest.
After 4 babies, I know how hard it is to avoid sexual intimacy. We both yearn for the closeness it allows us to share. But over the years and through lots of communication, we have figured out ways to find closeness outside the marriage bed.
But I absolutely won’t minimize the struggle. I battle thoughts that I am depriving my husband and therefore I am a bad wife. But what I’ve come to realize is that we’re struggling together and we need to find other ways of connecting.
Lessons Before Connection
I know this may seem like a silly thought but you’ll likely need to be incredibly intentional with your spouse. When a new baby comes, it’s all too easy to slip into only a caretaker role and forget life before that.
Right now, I pray that you see your husband as your best friend. The one you enjoy the simple pleasures with. But when a baby comes, your instincts as a mother change, as they’re meant to (!!) but that doesn’t mean you leave behind your loving husband.
It's critical to nourish your relationship as a couple even with a new baby between you. Simply acknowledging the change can often be enough. “I see you, Honey. I miss you and I miss the way things were. Can we focus on adapting together?” Validating the situation is often all you need to regroup and get back on the same page.
Let Him Serve You
If you’re like me, you struggle with letting your husband help with “your” chores. We have a very traditional home where he works outside the home and I am the homemaker. In our early years of marriage, this meant that I took personal offense when he tried to help me around the house. I know, ridiculous! But I had this idea that if I wasn’t always serving him, I was not a good wife.
Cue postpartum and I truly couldn’t get out of bed! I had to work, 4 times over, to let him serve me. Sit and receive his service in the form of food, housekeeping, and even help to the bathroom. It was SO humbling. And good for both of us. It bolstered his confidence as a father and provider and showed me that I wasn’t a bad wife for needing his help.
Give Him Space to Learn How to Parent
Again, this might be a wild idea, but his instincts aren’t the same as yours. But they’re still necessary. Your husband needs space to discover how to parent with you. You’re a team and God created two parents for a reason. When you let your husband listen to his instincts you allow him to bond with your baby and you’re all better off because of it.
You don’t want to be the nagging wife. “The baby only likes this” “Don’t hold her like that” and so on. Might he have a better understanding than you? Absolutely! And both of you need to honor your God-given instincts. Mothers and fathers are created with beautifully different talents. Try not to stifle his because you think yours are better.
“Be Very Very Patient”
My husband said his biggest advice is to, “Be very, very patient.” You must decide that you love each other enough to wait till sex is feasible. And for many couples that isn’t at the 6-week postpartum appointment. Sex may not become enjoyable again for months.
This all comes down to managing expectations and communicating. You both need to understand that the journey back to physical intimacy may be different than ever before.
So while you’re recovering reconnect with your spouse through other means.
Ideas for Connecting With Your Spouse
Reconnecting with your spouse doesn't have to be complicated. It’s easy to forget how to date each other, especially with a new baby, but that's pretty much where you’re at! You’re getting to know each other all over again. What a beautiful gift!
Pray
First and foremost, you should be praying together. Whether that means he is praying over you while you nurse the baby or he reads Scripture to you at the end of the day, center your world on Christ. Postpartum seems to be upside down so when we remember to pray we have the Light of Christ guiding us during this new season.
Communicate!
Tell him what you’re struggling with, what you love, and what you need help with. Then ask him the same! Remember when you could talk for hours and pick each other's brains? Do that now. Marvel at your baby's sweet toes and dream of the coming years. After praying together, communication is the most important thing you can do to nurture your relationship.
I highly recommend learning your love language so how you can best serve one another. My husband and I have different love languages so we both have to go out of our way to make sure the other feels love. It takes effort but it’s worth it!
Read a Book
If you enjoy reading aloud, postpartum is a perfect time to pick up a new book together. Just 5 minutes of intentional time sitting side by side can do wonders for your relationship. No phones, a snuggly baby, and a yummy snack are all even better with a good book.
Play a Game
If a book doesn’t sound good, consider playing a game! 5 Crowns or Phase 10, are two of our favorite card games. No board is involved so it’s easy to bring out for quick connection. Nights can be long with a baby who doesn’t know days from nights, so a game can be a fun way to break up the nursing sessions and diaper changes.
Snuggle
Forget about a weighted blanket, give me some snuggles with my husband for anxiety reduction! Snuggling doesn’t always have to go to the next level. Sometimes a good snuggle is enough to let your husband know you still take comfort in him. Whether the baby is beside you or in your arms, relax next to your husband. Melt into him and let him take on some of the stress you feel.
Along with snuggling, don’t forget to touch throughout the day. You’re not roommates! Gently rub his arm when walking past him. Kiss his head when he’s sitting down holding the baby. Give him a hug when you put the baby down. These small touches go a long way in connecting both of you.
Don’t Over Complicate Connection, Find Joy in One Another
This whole piece is something I wish I had read after my first daughter was born. It was so overwhelming learning how to be a mother. I wish I had leaned on my sweet husband more and explored different avenues of connection in those early days.
Now, we are able to communicate our needs and know how important our relationship is outside of being parents. A silly text, coffee on a Sunday afternoon, or a designated game night will keep you two connected even when sexual intimacy is lacking.
Learn from my nearly 7 years of motherhood that connecting with your husband outside the marriage bed is just as important, if not more important, than connecting in the marriage bed. Before you know it, you’ll be able to come together physically and if you’ve been connecting up until that point, it won’t feel like a foreign language. It will just be a natural progression of your new season of life.
