10 Simple Tips to Follow for a Fulfilling Christian Marriage
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.
Ecclesiastese 4:9-10
I truly can’t believe I’m writing this, but on May 25, 2024, my dear husband and I will have been married for ten years! A whole decade. My goodness, it has gone in the blink of an eye.
In one decade, we have lived in three different states, two apartments, three homes, bought and sold a house, and bought another one. We have brought four beautiful children into the world, buried two dear babies who are with Christ, and have grown in ways I didn’t know possible.
We have had ups and downs, belly splitting laughter, and heart wrenching cries. And throught it all, we have sought Christ, to the best of our ability.
So with that, I want to share our ten points on what we think are necessary for a healthy marriage. I will not say we have a perfect Christian marriage. We are imperfect people working together towards Salvation. I pray you find this encouraging and edifying.
So grab your notebook, let’s dive in.
Pray together
First and foremost, marriage is a path to salvation. When man and woman marry out of love and devotion to Christ, they walk together and strive for the eternal Kingdom. So praying together only seems natural.
Monk Moses of Mt. Athos states, “Two people come to the communion of marriage to help one another in their salvation.” Prayer is a conversation between you and God and involving your spouse in that unites the two of you in your pursuit of Salvation.
It took my husband and I a few years to realize how important prayer was together. But since getting in a rhythm of praying together, we are much more united and peaceful with one another.
Of course, pregnancy, postpartum, and young children can change the rhythm but we always come back to praying with one another. Even if that looks like me nursing a baby in bed and him reading the prayers out loud.
Find an easy prayer rule to begin with and grow into it. Do it even when your exhausted. This will grow your heart for Christ and your spouse.
2. Find Intimate Moments Outside the Bedroom
It’s all too easy to let the work of the day take away from the joy of one another. Remember when you first got together and you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Bring that back!
A gentle touch on the small of the back while walking past each other, a kiss on the cheek while doing the dishes, or holding hands in the car, all bring your energy back to the person you love.
And then when there is more time for deeper intimacy, it won’t feel like there is a chasm of work and childcare between you. You’ve been connecting all throughout the day and one sweet kiss can lead to another.
The death of marriage is the lack of prayer and connection. Intimacy is connection that we all desire.
3. Choose Humility
When we first married I was 20 years old and thought I knew everything about the world. My way was the best and since I was the homemaker anything I said about the home was always right. I was so prideful and quick to criticize. God forgive me.
Living together means dying to your own habits and thinking of your spouse. St. Paul exhorts both spouses to be subject to one another (Ephesians 5:22). This isn’t just a “say nothing and do it” kind of obedience, but a loving respect for one another.
Humility is a golden virtue and without it, your marriage cannot thrive.
4. Always Be Quick To Ask For Forgiveness
Forgiveness and humility go hand in hand. You may be tempted to hold a grudge or stand firm in your side of the situation, but remember humility. Christ tells us to forgive others so that we can be forgiven.
St. Nektarios tells us,
"A Christian must be courteous to all. His words and deeds should breathe with the grace of the Holy Spirit, which abides in his soul."
You have been created in the image and likeness of Christ. He is merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love. If there is a certain situation that has you heated and struggling to forgive, go to your prayer corner. Ask the Lord to help you forgive, ask the Mother of God to soften your heart.
It’s too easy to hold a grudge and then you find yourself annoyed, frustrated, and angry instead of turning the other cheek and looking for compassion. Remember the person you married. Choose to see the good and compassionate man or woman God has given you.
End every night before you go to bed, either during your prayers or laying in bed and ask forgiveness. Simply say “forgive me a sinner”, “God forgives”. Just like your prayers, do it even when your exhausted. The fruit of trust, compassion and patience will grow in your hearts.
5. Communicate!
Oh the amount of times I expected my sweet husband to just get what I was thinking without me actually voicing my needs. Shouldn’t he look around and see that I need help?! Well, he might see that, but in his humility, he was respecting me and wanted to give me room to grow.
No one can read minds, unless you're a holy ascetic with the gift of clairvoyance. Speak your needs lovingly and with respect. You don’t have to struggle alone, he’s given to you to struggle with! If you think you can do this by yourself, than your pride will hurt the marriage.
For some families, it helps to have a family calendar where all appointments, play dates, or church services are listed. Or you can have a day of the week where the two of you sit down and talk about the coming week, discuss any meal planning ideas, and just connect in the chaos of life.
Fr. Colin and I sit down almost every Sunday afternoon with a cup of coffee and just chat. It’s so special for us and even with the kids running around like animals, it’s intentional time for us to reconnect and plan the coming week.
6. Have The Same Spiritual Father
When you both confess to the same spiritual father, you have his perspective on both people in the marriage. This gives him a full picture of what issues may be present. They are the loving hands that help you and your spouse stand upright before Christ after your have fallen. If you don’t have a spiritual father, you need too. Cultivate this desire to be healed by the Physician through His priests.
We love our spiritual father. We run to him constantly, asking for help and guidance. And through his humility he gently and firmly points us back to path of salvation. Your spiritual father won’t use one another's confessions against you, that’s against all priests' right to secrecy, but it will allow him to see you as the full couple that you are.
7. Laugh and Relax Together
I can’t stress to you how important it is to continue to date each other. This relates to being intimate but is slightly different because it brings you back to the joy you found in each other. As the years go by, its easy to get muddled down by the weight of childcare and working and you forget to have fun.
Life is work, true, but life is also full of joy. Watch funny cat videos together and enjoy an awkward laugh while your toddler says something ridiculous. Find joy in the small moments of life. Try to avoid looking for the next vacation or saying ‘it will be better when the kids are bigger’.
Do your best to be present in the moment and enjoy right now.
8. Cultivate Hobbies
When we were newly married, I thought we needed to like all of the same things at the same level of each other. Sure, we both liked hiking and being outside, but why didn’t he also like running, reading, and knitting like I did?
Because we’re still two separate people and that's ok! God has made man and woman equal in the path of salvation. We are both different and in that we complete each other.
Is it fun when you enjoy the same leisure activities? Absolutely! But it’s also perfectly understandable that you might enjoy reading while he watches historical videos on the Civil War.
Find common ground where you can but respect that God made you two perfectly unique for a reason.
9. Defend One Another and Never Criticize in Public
Our culture today has a toxic habit of complaining. And even worse, we see people complaining about their spouse across social media, the internet, and between groups of friends.
But I would urge you to never speak an ill word against your spouse. Now I’m not saying never seek council or guidance from your spiritual father. But please, don’t spew your issues across the internet or to anyone, this includes your family as well.
Even a well meaning Facebook group can wreck havoc on your marriage. Consult your icon corner and spiritual father before talking to anyone. You’ll find that many, if not most, issues can be resolved with prayerful humility (see #3).
10. Recognize You Come From Different Upbringings
This was another very unexpected hurdle in our early marriage. For years, I couldn’t understand why he had so many opinions on specific things. The way I was raised was always right and there was no room for us to figure out OUR life together.
Silly things like table syrup vs. 100% maple syrup or how we celebrated holidays… trivial but not something I had expected.
Dr David Ford puts it beautifully,
“And just as Christ is always drawing his people closer to himself, so in Christ-centered marriage each spouse is constantly endeavoring to provide an atmosphere in the home which helps the other to draw closer to Christ, to be always flourishing in the spiritual life.”
You and your spouse have different backgrounds and have decades where you didn’t do life together. So be patient and open to learning new ways of living and learning.
Orthodox Christian Marriage is a Path to Salvation
Christian marriage isn’t a transaction. It’s not a frivolous choice. And it’s definitely not always easy. Marriage is a path to Salvation and your spouse is given to you as a helpmeet.
I won’t say we know it all and we certainly have room to grow. God willing in the next decade we grow even closer both to each other and to Christ.
I’ll leave you with a quote from Elder Aimilianos of Simone’s Petros Monastery
"When two people get married, it's as if they're saying: Together we will go forward, hand in hand, through good times and bad. We will have dark hours, hours of sorrow filled with burdens, monotonous hours. But in the depths of the night, we continue to believe in the sun and the light"
May God bless you and your marriage! Fight the good fight and go hand in hand with your love towards the One Who loves us more than we will ever know. Amen.
Which tip do you find the most important in your marriage? Drop a comment below! And I forgot something, what would you add?
